«Unlike most humans, my body does not produce feces. Instead, it turns waste into fine crystals it expels through a slit in my stomach. Once collected, the crystals dissolve into a powder which one can then use to mix with water, creating a drinkable solution. The solution gives one the ability to speak Dutch for the period of around 4 hours, and a heightened sense of smell. And that's just how my body works. Sometimes the stomach slit forms a vaguely blue gelatin residue that smells of ammonia. You can eat the gelatin but it has no nutritional value or benefits.
Instead of urinating I secrete a bluish milk like substance by squeezing the tip of my index finger and my thumb. It drips slowly but consistently, and lasts for about 20 seconds. The fluid is useless, but if mixed with rice pudding, quite delicious.»